WARNING: LONG POST ALERT. Read with caution.
OK so many of you know that my job as a health and fitness coach is to help inspire others to lead healthier lifestyles. Increase the longevity of your life is what I like to say, not a diet, not a quick fix; good old fashioned nutrition and exercise. It’s not something that happens over night and often times doesn't happen as fast as we want it to. You also know my job as a coach is to share my journey; the highs and lows, good and bad, happy and sad, pretty and ugly. I would say I have done a pretty decent job of that over that course of 4 years. You have seen me leave a profession I loved, have 2 babies within 13 1/2 months of each other, deal with a medical baby; multiple hospital stays, stomach surgery, open heart surgery and countless other medical issues, pursue depression symptoms in my oldest son, battle with a speech delay in my youngest, marriage struggles (who doesn't have them), financial struggles, you have seen me battle my own depression, anxiety, post partumn, PCOS, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, hypothyroidism, overcome and stand convicted over bulimia. You have seen the every day struggles I face as a mother, a wife, a daughter of Christ. Let’s face it marriage and parenting ARE NOT for the WEAK WILLED. You have seen me laugh, cry and pretty much every other emotion in between. So it goes without saying I pretty much let you in on EVERY area of my life. So its only fitting I let you in on this area.
I have STRUGGLED and STRUGGLED something fierce over the course of I would say the last 12 months. So where did all this begin. Well that’s something I can’t quite put my finger on. I have battled depression and anxiety pretty much my entire life. I know the signs and symptoms like the back of my hand. I know how to battle it, how to overcome, and how to push through it. Years ago I vowed that I would not be fishing for a needle in a hay stack (medications) nothing against those who do it was just not the route I wanted to go. Instead I chose to battle it with my nutrition and my fitness; and it worked. I know what emotions trigger what responses, I know when I am angry what i turn to, when I am sad, etc. I have a pretty good handle on my body and am pretty in tune with it. That started YEARS ago way before I became a coach and in large part because I found a doctor who TRUSTS me, LISTENS to me and is always focused on doing what’s BEST for me.
So fast forward to today; what is the purpose of this particular post. Well I think in large part I just FELT like writing (its been a LOOOOONG time) since I felt like that and quite frankly God told me too; he laid it on my heart that it needed to be shared and so here I am. I have shared in bits and pieces over the past few months how much I have struggled but I don’t think its been ENOUGH. You have seen my fitness journey; in the past 12-18 months I have pushed my body and accomplished some pretty great feats (lost 90lbs, competed in a fitness competition, my body LOOKS the best that it has in a LOONG TIME). So WHAT’S the PROBLEM??? That is the question of the day my friends. With as healthy as I have been/appear I should be feeling the BEST I ever have but GUESS WHAT; I DON’T. It finally got to a point to where I said SOMETHING ISN’T right and I am DETERMINED to get to the bottom of it. I firmly believe in the power of RESEARCH and TRUTH (though my mother tells me to STAY OFF THE INTERNET; sorry MOM) and while I do believe there are some CRAZY things out there; the power of knowledge is something fierce and you have to learn to decipher what is true and what is untrue.
Almost 2 months ago we took on a huge feat as a family and completed the Whole30 in large part due to some issues my oldest was facing but it was also in an effort to help me pinpoint some of the things I was experiencing. I learned A LOT about myself during that time and I truly fell in love with how it made my body physically feel (less bloated, acne mostly gone, I just felt better, my workouts were better physically) but there were some things I just couldn’t shake (mental clarity, fatigue like no ones business, mood swings, anger, and a host of other things, etc). I worked with my doctor throughout this entire period; over the course of the last 4 months I have seen my doctor on average around 4 times.) We went over everything I was experiencing, what we could rule out, etc. In the past when I have felt an imbalance like this it was in large part due to my thyroid (and I am one of those weird ones that have to have more than a normal thyroid panel done because its typically my free T3 and free T4 that are out of whack). When those came back normal we kept digging, we did blood work for a few other things; estrogen, testosterone, epstein barr (mono), etc. Every thing was pretty normal besides my estrogen, Of course that led me to do some research and that’s when I FINALLY started putting ALL of the things I was experiencing down on paper, researching, and talking with others who have experienced some of the same things I have experience. In talking with my doctor we developed several things that we felt could have/are the cause (the verdict is still out as some new blood work is pending); my IUD (mirena) and adrenal fatigue syndrome. Now I am no healthcare professional this is just my journey and my story so please always make sure to talk with your doctor before doing or deciding ANYTHING.
So where did all of this come from. I won’t lie and at first I thought I was just slightly crazy; I mean I am a mom of 3 CRAZY rambunctious boys, we have been through A LOT over the course of 3 years, I may or may not be a slight perfectionist, we lead a CRAZY schedule etc, so these things just appeared/seem to be normal. But y'all when I tell you I HAVE NOT BEEN MYSELF. I am an extremely positive person I see the good and the joy in almost anything. Hell my job is to inspire and motivate others. But when you can barely pull yourself out of bed in the morning, the exhaustion is so bad that by 10am all you can do is think about sleep despite the 8-9 hours you just slept, by 3pm your crashing for a nap only to wake up and still be tired, 9pm rolls around and all you want to do is sleep but now your body says no thank you lets be restless kind of exhaustion for MONTHS and MONTHS, you just don’t see the point in life or doing ANYTHING despite HOW HARD YOU TRY. I have referred to it over and over to those closest to me as “pregnancy tired.” Those of you who have birthed children know that those first 3 months of pregnancy are BRUTALLLLLLLL all you want to do is SLEEP. I mean it was so bad y'all I literally THOUGHT I WAS PREGNANT. So me being me I chucked it up to all being in my head; “Monica your over exaggerating,” “Monica your a MOM your supposed to feel like this,” “Monica you have struggled with depression your just going through another phase,” and the list goes on and on. So I pushed through and kept going; even though I felt like I have been BARELY hanging on UNTIL………
I read a post like this. A post of a mom who was in tip top shape STRUGGLING to barely hold on, a mom who had life stresses thrown at her and in her past could have handled them and NOW felt like she was going to break, fragile, a mom who contemplated suicide, who was just flat out exhausted and couldn’t figure out why and as I read her post EVERYTHING she posted, her experiences, her thoughts, her symptoms I LITERALLY started BAWLING because I felt like I was reading MY LIFE. For her it was her breast implants (the implantation of something foreign in her body), adrenal fatigue and a few other things. I had never heard of adrenal fatigue up until this point nor had I EVEN THOUGHT about the fact that I had something foreign in my body and so I reached out and talked with her and of course did some research and of course talked with my doctor. It was probably one of the most EYE OPENING experiences in my life because FOR ONCE I felt like I MIGHT have an ANSWER; that I wasn’t just crazy or making this up in my head because y'all lemme tell you that thought has crossed my mind more times than once. That despite looking good on the OUTSIDE to everyone else on the INSIDE I was screaming for HELP and barely hanging on. I had HOPE.
So WHAT is adrenal fatigue; according to adrenalfatigue.org its essentially the decrease in adrenal glands ability to carry out their normal function. Commonly caused by chronic stress (including emotional, physical, mental or environment) that exceeds the body’s capability to adjust appropriately to demands placed on it cause by stress. UMMM HELLO can we say WAKE UP CALL. The past 3 years have just been a pummel of stress OVER and OVER and OVER again. So basically your body shuts down after being hit time and time again with different stressors. We all have a fight or flight response (I often times say thats what I lived on our entire time we were in the hospital with Kayleb as a baby), that it becomes overloaded and shuts down. It no longer understands or knows how to combat the normal stresses of life and there are several stages depending on where you look and what doctor you talk to me. FOR ME after a lot of research and literature reading I could pinpoint EXACTLY that my body was in ‘burnout phase’ meaning it has just shut down it has run out of way to manufacture stress hormones or cortisol levels. So what were MY SYMPTOMS;
- unable to fall asleep despite being tired
- wake up in the middle of the night for no reason
- irregular heart palpations at night, when stressed and frequent
- low blood pressure (mine on avg has been 90’s/50’s) were talking the guy asked me if I was alive when I did my yearly blood work
- low libido and sex drive - I am talking don’t want my husband to come near me
- feeling of hypoglycemia (constantly feeling light headed, dizzy, especially when getting up despite my huge water intake and on point nutrition)
- depression often unresolved
- endometriosis
- PCOS
- Hair falling out for no reason (we are talking I fill a brush EVERY TIME I shower and brush my hair, run my hands through my hair and it just falls out)
- irritable under stress
- anxiety
- panic attacks
- feeling “wired” and unable to relax at times
- fogging thinking (Yall I have been feeling like I am walking around in lala land for MONTHS)
- inability to handle stress (ask Eric he’ll tell you and from the girl who has felt like she handles stress like a rock star and lives for pressure, were talking crack EVERY TIME, full fledged emotional breakdown tears)
- Waking up tired in the morning after a great night sleep regardless of how many hours
- feeling tired/crashing in the afternoon
- inability to take in simple carbohydrates (thanks Whole30 for pointing this out)
- The need for energy drinks triggering adrenaline rush and adrenal crashes (hello I LIVE on energize MULTIPLE times a day which is NOT its intended use)
- craving for fatty, salty foods
- dry skin more than usual
- unexplained hair loss
- exercise helps at first but then makes fatigue WORSE
- Delay in food sensitivity (especially dairy and gluten again thanks Whole30)
- Constipation for no reason
- Joint pain CONSTANTLY
- muscle pain (other than normal workout pain)
- Cold hands and feet CONSTANTLY
- Inability to concentrate or focus
- Dizziness for no known cause
- numbness and tingling in extremities for no known reason
- dark circles under my eyes that do not go away
- loss of healthy facial skin tone/color
- body feels tense all over and unable to relax
- IBS
- EXTREME fatigue with no known cause or reprieve.
- Low cortisol levels
So you can see thats a PRETTY EXHAUSTIVE list and there are A LOT of other symptoms out there BUT those are the ones I STRUGGLED with. Now it wasn't until I started putting them ALL together that I realized ehhhh something isn't ADDING UP. I had never taken the time to write down EVERYTHING that had been going on with me.
So again remember I had never heard of adrenal fatigue (and while my doctor and I talked about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at one our appointments we hadn't definitively gotten an answer). THEN I started researching side effects of the Mirena. NOW GUYS let me start off by saying this. I have THOUGHT that I LOOOOVED the Mirena; in fact this is my SECOND time having it placed. The first time was shortly after Jayden; and I had it in for FOUR YEARS (maximum is five years) I had it removed when my endometriosis was exploding and when my current doctor didn't like how it was setting in my uterus (sorry TMI but its life) and so he removed it to let my body rest from the hormones it releases; (hello Kayleb shortly after lol). I loved it because I didn't have to remember to take a pill every day (hello Jayden, when you don’t take your BC like your supposed to the end result is a CHILD…..DUH) so I didn't want to do that. I loved it because I didn't have a menstrual cycle every month; I mean come on ladies no one TRULY wants to deal with Aunt Flow. With how traumatic Kaylebs pregnancy was; and then ALL of his medical issues shortly after birth we didn't reimplant one well because quite frankly it was the LAST thing on our mind (hello Landyn I always say in the SHORT time I was home from the hospital during those brutal 6 MONTHS I can count all of 5 times I had the energy and the enthusiasm to do the deed). Y'all i mean WHO HONESTLY plans to have kids 13 1/2 MONTHS APART (while I wouldn't change them for the world) can we say CRAZYYYYY; I would like to meet the person who thought THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA!! So you can imagine that as soon as Landyn was born I told my doctor PUT THAT THING BACK IN!!! I never THOUGHT it would be something that was contributing to my issues.
So of course I started researching and realized there were THOUSANDS of women who were struggling with some of the VERY same things I WAS like;
- severe cramps/perlvic pain (which I attributed to my PCOS/ovarian cysts)
- extreme dozziness, feeling like I might pass out
- severe pain in my lower stomach (hello repeated cysts and excruciating pain)
- pale skin, weakness easy bruising (you poke me and I bruise)
- sudden numbness especially on one side of the body
- sudden or severe headache, confusion, problems with vision, sensitivity to light (i attributed to my hereditary migraines that hadn't happened in years)
- constant headaches, nervousness, mild dizziness
- mood changes, loss of interest in sex,
- feeling that sense of fogginess
And after talking with my doctor and seeing that my estrogen levels were low; he stated that sometimes the IUD just plummets women’s estrogen levels and sends the body into a tail spin of emotional turmoil. So today some answers were established; we removed my IUD and have also proceeded to go down the avenue of adrenal fatigue diagnosis and recovery. We are waiting on some additional blood work and on Monday I will go back for some repeat blood work and I will continue to work closely my doctor as to how we will proceed forward.
SOOOOOOOOOOO if your still reading this #1 I commend you cause this is a long ass post (that I am not sure I intended it to be) and thank you. I write this for the same reason I am thankful someone else shared there story; to MAYBE HELP YOU. God laid it on my heart to share this part of my journey and as I am learning when he says DO you just DOI. I am a daughter of Christ and it is my DUTY and responsibility to share my walk with him; how he's transformed me, changed me, guided me and lead me down the path to be closer to him.
I say all of this to say do we have a definitive answer…..ABSOLUTELY NOT. My symptoms are not miraculously gone within hours of removal or diagnosis. Nor do I feel like a ray of sunshine that is just beaming life. But for the first in 12 MONTHS I feel like we are taking a step in the right direction and I feel HOPEFUL. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Something I haven't felt in a LONG time. I will admit and say I felt like and thought I would feel like this FOREVER. It’s so, so important that you trust your gut instinct. You know YOUR body and its important to not only be in tune with it but to LISTEN to it and to find a doctor who LISTENS TO YOU because that is not always the case.
In this last 12 months the one thing I am very THANKFUL for is my SPIRITUAL journey. Despite ALL of the emotions, physical, mental and every other thought known to man kind, my relationship with Christ has grown tremendously. I truly believe he lead me to the random post that I just happened to stumble on, he led me to a random conversation with someone I had never met, he heard my prayers for just wanting ANSWERS to how and why I was feeling this way and he brought me to my knees literally and figuratively CONSTANTLY in prayer; something I can’t say I had really done before constantly. There is power in prayer, there is power in stillness and there is power in LISTENING. This is my story, this is my journey, this is my life and my reality in all of its realness.
Life is HARD yall, there is no doubt about it. Parenting is hard, marriage is hard, being a woman of Christ is hard, having ailments and illness is hard, there are LOTS of HARDS in this world. I only hope that my mess that is turning into message helps inspire, encourage, motivate, bring hope, to someone else. IT’s not EVER easy to share the HARD things in life but I pray that it reaches those whom it needs to reach and I will continue to share this journey call LIFE. I will never be ashamed of who I am, what I go through (despite sometimes what I tell myself) because I know there is a testimony in EVERY test. I am thankful for my health, my family and friends whom have supported me, my husband whom even when he didn't understand why or what I was going through encouraged me to go with my gut, my kids as they are my WHY and my REASON for EVERYTHING and of course our ever loving and ever forgiving God. As always feel free to share if someone else needs HOPE and BE KIND because words matter.
