How many of you have ever felt like you were in such a place of refuge with no place to turn? You may be in the deepest of dark nights and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is my journey in all of its rawness.
I am a woman of God but that does not always mean I have been the most faithful of women. I grew up in the church; Sunday schools, Wednesday night bible studies, I was baptisied when I made the decision to be. But somewhere along the way I lost my faith. Maybe it was after I struggled with an eating disorder, maybe it was after I lost my grandma to cancer, maybe it was after I got pregnant as a young single 21 year old college student who's parents weren't thrilled with situation she had put herself in, maybe it was after the depression, the anxiety, maybe it was after the failed relationships, maybe it was after all the cheating, maybe it was after all the failed friendships, maybe it was after she moved 500 miles away from her family with a child on her own trying to make it work, maybe it was after she had to repeatedly ask her parents for help because she just couldn't do it, maybe it was after she got pregnant unwed again, maybe it was after that baby had open heart surgery, maybe, maybe, maybe somewhere she JUST lost faith.
For years I have had this emptiness inside of me that I just felt like I was missing something, yes I've always known God was there and of course I prayed. BUT had I really been obedient in my faith, in truly TRUSTING and KNOWING that he would not forsake me. I am realizing now so many years later; that emptiness I was yearning for, that void I was constantly trying to fill, was ALREADY THERE. I just wasn't looking in the right places. So often times we rely on the flesh to fill our needs when it's the faith that is going to get us to where we need to be.For several weeks now I have been feeling lost, not really sure why, not understanding what was going on. Thoughts of doubt, depression, anxiety sloooooowly started to make their way back into my life. I felt like I wasn't living up to some fictitious picture I had in my mind. This person I thought I should be I didn't feel like I had become. The best wife, the best mother, the best coach, the best daughter, the best ME. For those that know me; know I am pretty hard on myself and can truly be a pretty tough critic. But again I felt like that piece of the puzzle was missing. So I've been searching and searching; I started pouring back into my faith; I started seeking out fellowship in a church home something I hadn't done in YEARS. I started reading my bible and talking to God but still it wasn't there and I was feeling like I was closed off. One thing after another, after another, after another he continued to show me that HE was the answer.
Then it was a life changing out of body experience on a cruise something that never should have even happened; then it was the sermons at church that just kept hitting EVERY. SINGLE. EVENT. happening in my life. Then it was some very, very trivial things within our family; things we braved and weathered and MADE IT THROUGH. I KNEW he was talking to me, trying to get me to see his presence; yet still I turned him away thinking I could do it all on my own.
I came home from that cruise; this miraculous thing that HE ALLLOWED to happen and I was dejected, I felt lost and just couldn't understand why. Here I was on this amazing journey, that He made possible yet doubting EVERYTHING about myself. My purpose, my ability to reach others, I felt like I was missing something, the pieces just didn't add up. I was pouring into my bible study, I was writing out my prayers and talking more with God, I was going to church but it just wasn't there.
I am a very type A personality and I feel the need to control EVERYTHING. It's in my DNA it's just who I am. The problem with that is that I AM NOT MEANT to control everything. I was sitting here tonight and after I had already debated on attending a women's group tomorrow (something I haven't done since I was in High School) when I decided to do a bit more research; I decided to pop open our churches women's page and it just so happened that the current bible study was online and so I started listening. It was like it was meant exactly for me. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. she was saying was like writing my life story.
I know that God has been giving my some Jordan experiences. He's been showing me that he is faithful BUT it wasn't so that I could boast about how awesome I am or the amazing skills I possess. It was so that I could give ALL the glory to him. But not ONLY that he was preparing me for the walls of Jericho. You see we ALL have the battle of Jerichos in our life; that fight that you are in, the struggle, the battle, the addiction WHATEVER IT IS. He has already proclaimed the victory for it. The BATTLE HAS BEEN WON. The problem lies in the fact that you STILL HAVE TO FIGHT the good fight. You have to walk by faith, in obedience knowing that the victory will come. But it's when we are trying to do our own things that we sometimes never get to see THAT victory.
As I sit here; typing this out; exhausted from lack of sleep, I finally FEEL FREE, I am in my battle of Jericho and while it's going to be tough and I will have to fight I KNOW that he will bring the walls down and that VICTORY is near. I KNOW that I am meant to live BOLDLY, I am meant to CONQUOR and that I am meant for GREATNESS and so are YOU. My purpose in this life is to live for him and to mentor you to do the same thing.
I don't know who I am talking to tonight, but I know I'm talking to somebody. Clearly I don't blog, or haven't been great at it but God put it on my heart to bare my soul and that's exactly what I am doing. I want you to know that no matter where you are it; whether you are sitting in your Jordan experience and seeing his faithfulness or you are in the fight of Jericho; the victory has already been WON. If you need someone to talk with, or feel compelled to share your story with me, no mater where you are in your journey. Reach out to me and I would love to talk with you. You are NOT ALONE!
