Honesty

Alright it's honesty time!! I hope I have other Mommas that can relate to this. I normally am not one to complain; those who know me know I'm a very vibrant person I always see the glass half full and see the positive about everything. 

But I have to say this pregnancy has been really really hard. I love all my children and am blessed beyond measures that God has chosen me to be the mom of another baby boy. But the past few months have been really hard. My normal outlet for stress is to exercise, or worse food. But over the past few years I've turned to exercise to help funnel that stress. It's what helped me get through all of the struggles with Kaylebs pregnancy and definitely what helped me get through all of Kaylebs medical issues. I know for a fact had I not used that as my outlet I would have gained an extra 30-40lbs with all that time in the hospital. 

With that being said not beig able to workout during this pregnancy has been one of the toughest things I've ever encountered. I don't need anyone to tell me that the end will be worth it. I know that and I don't lose sight of that. BUT I also know that exercise is my stress reliever, my anti depressant, my anxiety drug. It's the energy that gets me through the day. It may sound crazy to some but it's the best drug I could ever take. So because for almost 5 months I haven't had that drug I've been in withdrawals. At first it was ok I was able to make due, but here lately it has been eating me away. I am literally counting down the days until little man gets here just so I can get my drug back. That may sound selfish to some; but I know that when I exercise; I am a happier person, I'm a better mom, wife, woman and so much more. So I feel like I have been failing these past few months, (pregnant woman are always emotional), but I haven't felt like a good mom or a good wife, I can feel myself snapping quicker and being exhausted (yes I know in I'm pregnant but I mean just mentally zoned out). My therapist tells me that I hold myself to a higher standard and have high expectations for myself and that may be true. But at the end of the day that's not going to change. I know what I expect myself to get accomplished and when I don't I know it fuels the depression/anxiety/unmotivation. 

I know that many look to me for inspiration, I hear it all the time and honestly that is what has helped push me some; but sometimes it's just not enough. I know many of asked why I haven't been posting as much motivational stuff; well here it's. I just haven't felt like I have been motivating to myself, let alone anyone else. 

I say all this to hopefully reach someone out there who may be going through something similar (you don't have to be pregnant to be in a funk). I may only have 6 weeks or less until this baby gets here but I REFUSE to continually feel like this. I have the choice! It's up to me what that choice is going to be; do I continue to live in this rut or do I pull myself out step by step. I've decided in going to do the latter. Tomorrow is a Monday that means it's my chance to start off fresh, to have a do over and I'm going to take it! I know I have not only my family counting on me, but I have my team and my challengers who are looking to me every day to lead them and motivate them and I want to be that great leader. I know that God places us in situations to test us; it's up to us whether or not we want to to turn that test into a testimony. 

Not sure who I'm speaking to but God laid this on my heart to write out and so I just let it flow! Sorry for the vent. 

Week 28-29, Kayleb Update and Back to School.

This week was the official back to school week for Jayden. While I had looked forward to getting back to a normal routine, it was surprisingly hard for me the first few days. I realize I haven't worked for months but it was my first not being at back to school activities, plus I missed my little buddy and helper while he was at school. I may or may not have shed a few tears the first few days when Kayleb was asleep for an abnormally long time at nap time. 

I will say I absolutely love or new routines and getting to walk Jayden to school everyday. While I was sad for a second about not doing back to school, I love that I get to be super involved in Jayden's school and be there everyday to pick him up and drop him off 

Being in true fashion I schedule appts for Kayleb and I this week and it just so happened we literally had an appt every single day; talk about exhausting. However our first appt of the week was for my munchkin and we couldn't have been happier for the report. At his 4 month post open heart surgery appointment he got a great report. Everything on his echocardiogram looked great, the leak that was around the patch has closed up. While his weight is still slow to come on and eating is still an issue we will continue wth his speech therapy 3 times a week and keep packing on the lbs. We don't have to go back for 6 months to the cardiologist. Wooo hooo!!! 

As for me and my ginourmous belly we are doing well. This weeks appt showed no changes (which is a good thing) I will continue alternating weekly appointments between my regular ob and the perinatal specialists. Baby looks good and is weighing in around 2.5lbs. My amniotic fluid is still high around 23 but staying stable. We will continue with the weekly progesterone shots (to slow the labor process) and I have a pill called procardia to take should any contractions start. 

Can you say brothers.

The week ended on a not so happy note; hoping to enjoy the long weekend pool side we were sidelined by Kayleb and I getting sick. He started around Wednesday and ended up with an upper respiratory and ear infection and what ever he had he passed right on to momma. It hit me like a ton of bricks Friday and I was MISERABLE. I was so so proud of my streak I had almost made it this entire pregnancy without being sick. All my pregnant Mommas know that getting sick while pregnant is the worst because you can't take hardly ANYTHING. So we spent the weekend resting and cuddling up to watch movies. Although we did venture out for Jayden's first baseball game of the season Saturday morning. 

At the drs office he couldn't resist.